SubhanAllah.
This time last year, I was a brand new mom. Twenty-four hours fresh into the unknown. The unexpected. The unforgettable.
I flip through photographs of my shining star, and I cannot believe that he has morphed into what he is, right in front of my eyes. It's like it happened yesterday, and it's almost heartbreaking to think that the precious infant I held in my arms that day, is long gone- replaced by a newer and improved version of edible cuteness, haughty freshiness, and one outrageously vocal little (halal) ham. OK- second thought: Lamb Chop.
Life with Omar is becoming more dynamic and challenging each day. It is clear his cognitive skills are really blossoming, and his motor skills are sharpening. To witness a child learning is a treasure. I wish I could savor each and every moment of interaction with him. His greatest achievement thus far is- giving kisses. My baby is learning to show and express love. Isn't that grand?
I wish we could have a mini-scaled down birthday party for him. Just love, cake, grandma and grandpa. Instead, I brought him to see them in the morning so they could have breakfast with him. I was so proud of them, that they never once uttered the phrase "happy birthday". I know it was hard for them. The rest of the day, my husband and I carried on as if it were any other day. I quietly kept reflecting, for the day my son was born, I will never, ever forget. We ended the day with a lovely trip to the beach, for it was unusually warm.
So you ask, why the title of this post? This has been the most rewarding and demanding experience of my life. The first few weeks of his life were super difficult. I finally realize that I deserve some credit for keeping it together......iMuslimah, you rocked it!
Alhamdulillah wu shurku lillah.
Happy Birth-Day To Me.
Handbag or Garbage Bag?
Hello my esteemed blogeress',
Today was lovely. I was off from work, got a decent nap this morning, had lunch with my sister and son, then went to Marshall's and splurged on a funky handbag I never thought I would carry. The colors are outrageous. I'll have to post a pic.
Also, while shopping in CVS, they had a sale on Maybelline Lash Stiletto Mascara (pictured above)....buy one get one free. Who can resist that? Not I. I must testify, that this stuff is the BUSINESS! It smells too floral, but hey. The lashes look fab. No curling needed. No clumps. I am already hooked. Go get some today.
I have also come to the conclusion that I am my own Kryptonite sometimes. I hold myself to ridiculous standards, and when I can't meet them, I go insane. At least I can admit it. Now to change it? That's the real challenge. I thought if I attempted to rectify big things in my life, that all the little things would fall into place. Not so, at least not for me. I have learned over the past few weeks, that if I address the little things, I have less big things to tackle. How's that for a wisdom nugget?
This may seem odd, but last week I took a night off from work to collect myself. I was feeling very overwhelmed and disorganized. Now- I'm sure some of you can identify that when your handbag looks like the county dump inside, it is a red flag that you are approaching wicked, emotional heifer status. Every time I looked, it seemed to be getting fatter and fatter. I had so many receipts and snippets of paper that I couldn't find my money or other necessary things. I Couldn't even get the bag to close. I must have looked like a travelling pack rat. It dawned on me, that I was in dire need of help when I went to the bank with my husband. When the banker asked for my ID, I had to unload my trunk on his desk, whilst things like pantyliners, and crumpled up tissues, and empty on-the-go baby formula packets popped out onto his desk. I know my husband was mortified.
How did it get this bad? Not allowing myself enough time to do anything. Not caring. Sleep deprivation. Stress. Ironically, the worse it got, the more stressed I became.
So, anyway (yes there is more)-
On my special night off, I spent THREE HOURS cleaning my trough of a handbag. I organized everything in it, then determined what got trashed and what was needed. I found about $10 worth of coin on the bottom, about $20 in singles all wrinkled up. After I was done, I tackled my wallet. What a task that was. I didn't realize how many unnecessary things were jammed in there.
I am happy to report, that my beautiful, favorite handbag has gone back to it's normal size, my wallet has assumed it's slim silhouette, and I can locate everything with ease. It has to be at least 5 lbs lighter. My whole world seems more organized. Everything has order; home, car, work.
I now see that my handbag, is life central for me. It's the nerve center of my daily activities. Since I am constantly on the go, it is always in use for one thing or another. It never occurred to me that it was so critical to my own well-being.
Hijab-Ability
Assalamu alaykum one and all.
Inspired by the most humble and honest thoughts by Sister Fuzzy http://asks-muslimah.blogspot.com/2009/03/age-old-debate_26.html , I have the urge to share my own thoughts and feelings about being Muslim, observing hijab, and the impact it has on my daily life....
I am a revert to Islam since August 2005. I was born in and have lived in the USA my whole life. While there is no doubt that there is a lasting western influence in my lifestyle, I was pretty much modestly fashionable. Being a fuller figure/well nourished woman, I was more than aware of my body type and always wanted to look feminine, yet appropriate. I enjoyed getting my hair done, wearing nail polish, and generally took pride in my appearance. I felt lovely and soft.
Since wearing hijab, many blessings have come into my life; a thriving relationship with my husband, a beautiful little boy, a promotion at work, and people accepting for who I am and what I believe in, rather than what I look like. This is the ultimate freedom. Will life always be this easy? Inshaallah- but if not, my hijab will remind me that my faith is more important than anything, and like all things, doing them with GOD in my life will certainly make them worthwhile and ultimately to my benefit, whether it be in this life or the next.
Since wearing hijab, I've noticed that I do not like my appearance at home, when I am not wearing it. My hair is matted to my head to the point where I can't even style it without washing it all over again. I look like a pathetic drowned water rat. There is no recovery from a look this bad. Honestly, by the end of a day off ( I am only home 2 nights a week, working full-time evenings)- the last thing I feel like doing is re-styling my locks or putting on make-up to spice things up. I know in my heart, in the recesses of my soul, that my husband, unquestionably loves me and is indeed attracted to me. The problem is that I am not attracted to me. It has gotten worse since the birth of my 11 month son. Now, I truly do not have a minute to spare without sacrificing something else that needs to be done. Ive manage to carve out about an hour at the end of my night (1 to 2am) where I just do "me" things....read the news, pluck the brows, take a long shower or blog a bit. That's it.
I also feel frumpy. I don't feel that my current wardrobe is very fashionable, because I believe I should keep things simple. Is that an excuse? Sound like one. Do I have the energy to put something together that is cuter? Not really. I don't wear an abaya; I am just not comfortable with it. I do own a few beautiful ones, and wear them on special occasions. Maybe someday I will be willing to wear abays, but for now it takes me deep into the discomfot zone. Every spring and summer I painfully hunt mainstream clothing stores for items that are appropriate for hijab. Sometimes I get lucky, and sometimes I don't. I get frustrated and depressed. I feel like I wear the same things over and over again, just in different colors! I have found a few lovely, long tunics at Shukr, and I have a plethora of long skirts. This spring I should have a greater variety of things to wear.
Going to work is a breeze- I wear scrubs and a lab coat down to my knees. I don't have to worry about coverage, as it is madatory for us to wear these things. They are actually quite comfy, and very loose fitting. I like to match my Al Amira undercaps to my scrubs LOL. Now that I am verbalizing these things, it has dawned on me that A) I am perpetually exahusted and nothing is appealing when you're tired B) I work five nights per week, and really only worry about weekend wardrobes which might be part of the reason I am lacking in this department. I dont get dressed up often enough.
How do I get to any resemblance of my former self? Is it even possible? I suppose someday inshaallah my work schedule will ease, and there will be time. For now- these days.......there are only two things I can guarantee when it comes to self caring; #1 showering #2 good oral hygiene and a basic skin care regimen. That's what gets my free time!
After writing this, I don't feel so bad.....
Oh yeah, I have a wedding to go to in July. This should send me in a wicked fit trying to find something appropriate and nice. Wish me luck. Better yet, wish my husband luck. Poor unsuspecting soul of the "I have nothing to wear" wilderbeast that is about to rear it's ugly head.
Mother's Day: To Celebrate or Not?
Regardless of why I was brought up to celebrate Mother's Day, and it's origins; despite fatwas, and scholarly opinions on whether it's viewed as a shirk innovation- my feelings haven't changed. A month before Mother's Day, my siblings and I would secretly start growing our Marigold and African Violet flower seeds in empty coffee cans. Painted macaroni necklaces were in progress, our hand prints in plaster were a right of passage, and of course, one of us made a pig sty out of the kitchen trying to bake a cake. Let's not forget the original poem chock full of misspellings and atrocious grammar. My father would give her rose garden extra special attention and even add new buds. He did his best to please her within their means. All this, for the love of Mommy. I still want to burst into confetti on Mother's day for all the memories and love she gave us. For all the pain and sacrifice she endured for us. For all the penniless moments, multiple-jobs-with-no-day-off moments, and scary moments. For holding her head up high during the darkest hour moments, and all of her successful and and accomplished moments.
I've Been Tagged!
Stuff
Salaams peeps.
Been real busy the past 2 weeks. I am now realizing this is my life, and it is only going to get busier as iBaby gets older!
Re: previous post "Five Minute Face", the Morgan Schick Hi-Def is drying my skin out, probably wont use it anymore.
The holidays are upon us all, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get out from underneath the great opressor "Christmas". I find it to be a suffocating time of year, and I am looking forward to it's passing. Inshaallah I am eager to greet 2009!
My husband is miserable at his job. Alhamdulillah it is a job, but it is just awful. He is currently seeking new employment, so please keep us in your dua's.
Inshaallah I will meet my brother-in-law for the first time next week. Yay! My husband hasn't seen him in eight years. He is coming for a visit, and I am excited for my husband and my son. This should be a really joyful time. Thank you Allah.
iBaby is getting huge. Growing like a weed! Last well visit he weighed in at 19 lbs 11 oz and 29 1/2 inches long. That was three weeks ago. I am certain he is closer to 21lbs now. All of a sudden his sleeves are short and his onsies dont snap so easily. Mashaallah. He will be 7 months old next week. If he is in my husbands arms, he reaches out for me and vice vera- its a very cute game he likes to play with us. He also will lay his head on my should if I ask him "will you please give mommy a little hug?" He looks absolutely sublime in his red fleece feetie pajamas with monkeys all over them. May Allah bless his sweet little heart, he is the joy of my life.
Ameen.
Working Outside-the-Home Moms Please Speak Up
Assalamu alaykum all :)
Alhamdulillah it's been 9 1/2 weeks since iBaby has graced us with his arrival. In about two weeks, I will be returning to work, full-time, in the evening. My heart is breaking, as he is getting cuter each day, and now he has a repertoire of tricks at bedtime, that I will miss, five nights a week. I'm not worried for his well being, as he will be home with Baaba who is in amazing father, and who will give him so much TLC inshaallah.
I'm just feeling deflated/sad/heartache for being away from him. I cannot work days- because then iBaby would be in daycare 9 hours a day, and I am not willing to do that.
My God. Mashaallah he is so soft and sweet. His legs are chubby and cute. He's very calm and easy going- and loves to smile, coo and make baby noises. Four days ago, he found his hands and now they are in his mouth frequently. Sometimes I put him down for a nap, and when I walk back into the room, I hear him sucking. He still loves to be swaddled at night, and when I'm all finished wrapping him, he gives me a huge gummy grin and loves to be cuddled. We then head to the rocking chair for some quiet time. He stays awake and just looks at me, and I feel like I'm the best thing ever. I will miss this.
So, what I want to know is: how do you all cope with returning to work? Do you have a strategy for getting things done at home, as your time is limited? How do you juggle your husbands, and children and your own needs? Does anyone have any helpful hints that you would like to share? Even your smallest tip or idea could be helpful...
Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to work. Alhamdulillah for my education and skill that allows me to help provide. Alhamdulillah for a hard working husband ( and outstanding father to our son) who will begin graduate school in September. Alhamdulillah for our healthy baby boy, and may Allah swt protect him always.
8 Weeks.
Oh. My. Goodness.
SubhanAllah.
My baby giggled at me today. A full on, primal, unrefined belly giggle- accompanied by giant smile. It lasted only for a nanosecond- enough to make me go absolutely insane with joy and pride.
I think I kissed him a thousand times as a result of his giggle.
I can now identify his different cries most of the time (hungry is distinctly different from tired, and tired is very different from "I need attention"), and now when he cries, real tears come out.
iBaby has also learned to suck on his forearms, hands and fingers in a pinch. LOL.
I just got a rocking chair; we love it.
Tomorrow is my last post-partum check up. I will miss this chapter in my life so much! My OB/GYN is the best. I will bring iBaby with me. This should be interesting since I havent ventured out alone, with him, without help yet, unless I go for a walk. My appointment is at noon, so inshaallah I should wake up at 7am LOL. It will take me that long to get ready.
How will I ever return to work without a broken heart?
Ya Allah, please help me deal.
Day 4
Day 3
Day 2
Day 1: Baaba Back To Work
I dreaded this day since the birth of iBaby- especially when I learned how awesome my husband would be....
I might as well be truthful- it was awful. iBaby had a rough day; his mama was exhausted and terrified. Breastfeeding was a total nightmare; we had made it almost one full week of exclusive nursing, and that ended this day. We've been for several lactation consults, and made some progress with the 'bionic nipple'. My nipples are flat, there is nothing for iBaby to really latch onto, so Im using a silicone shield. the draw back is that I have to hold the nipple on, and football cradle him with my other hand. That leaves me helpless when a problem arises. When baby sucks, the silicone nip draws breast tissue into it, to create more of an utter (for lack of appropriate vocab). He really doesn't like it, if he fusses- it falls off, and if his feisty little hands go bananas (like the usually do when he is hungry), the nip gets knocked off. By the time he latches, 20 minutes has passed, Ive pulled out every trick in the book, hes cried real tears, I've balled my eyes out, and then he falls asleep after 10 minutes of nursing. I then have to wake him and start over. Overall, it's taking about 1 1/2 hours to get a good solid 30 minutes nursing session. I am frustrated- disappointed, depressed. I've been wanting to nurse him and do the best for his health. It seems that the forces of nature are working against me. Mashaallah Ive been able to keep up a decent supply of milk by pumping, so I have not had to give him formula, yet.
I'm feeling angry- this is the most natural process, and I cant do it. At what point do I surrender and try to enjoy him more? Feedings are an ugly process, and I watch the clock now- waiting for the next session to begin.
I'm sure, some of you are reading and thinking that I should simply be thankful for my son, and wonder how I could be whining about this. I don't know how to explain my feelings. Nursing is a very strong instinct, as natural as the desire to be pregnant. Ive dreamed of this for a really long time, and time is passing quickly. I feel almost like I am grieving. I find myself unable to even talk to other moms about it. My son is growing mashaallah, and the window of opportunity to nurse him is growing smaller and smaller. I couldn't birth him the natural way, and now I cant feed him- and I feel completely and totally inadequate. I am feeling more and more like a failure. When I look into my baby's twinkling little eyes, I get lost in them and start to cry. I love him so intensely, and hope that my inability to do the best thing doesn't affect him. I cant stand the idea of even supplementing with formula. I have some here- because I do realize I will eventually need it, because my milk supply dwindles when I'm only pumping without nursing.
I'm sorry for sounding so blue. I need to get all of this off my chest. I realize there are many couples out there dying to start a family.
I never made it out of my pajamas. I never napped. I was awake for 20 hours, and when my husband came home from work at 3am, I handed iBaby to him and went to sleep. I feel guilty for that. He worked 12 hours and didn't have a chance to get his shoes off. He stayed awake until 6am, slept for 5 hours, woke up, made me a beautiful breakfast and packed his own lunch then went back to work for 12 more hours. I have to do better.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala help me to be a better mother and wife, Ameen
Unknown
As'salamu alaykum ;)
For those of you who have been kind enough to read my pointless blog, I thank you.
We are expecting our first munchkin, and while I am in my mid thirties and have had the benefit of watching my siblings raise their children; I don't REALLY know what to expect. Here I am, with my unborn son squirming around in my belly, loving him endlessly and wishing my due date would get here. I have this intimate relationship with him already, but once again, I have no idea what comes next.
I will love him more than life.
My love for my husband will continue to increase exponentially.
I am willing to LIVE for my son, not just give my life.
I will love rocking him to sleep.
I will be nervous about so many people holding him.
I will be anxious to inspect him from head to toe at birth.
I think his hair will be as fine as kitten fur.
I will experience true exhaustion like never before.
I will feel guilty and cry my eyes out when I return to work full-time.
I will forever cherish this gift that Allah swt has bestowed upon us.
That's about all I know right now. I hope I am right. Inshallah I hope it's better than what I think I know. Alhamdulillah for everything.
I'm Already Sweet Enough
Lately I have been having wicked urges and cravings for things I wouldn't normally eat. A colossal vanilla ice cream sunade smothered with hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream, bananans, walnuts and rainbow sprinkles would make my heart sing, but first I would indulge in a huge greasy pizza covered with extra cheese.
This is not wise, nor is it possible. From day 1 of pregnancy, because I carry extra weight already, I was terrified of poisoning my baby with garbage, and I was afraid of developing Gestational Diabetes. Low and behold, three weeks ago, I failed my glucose tolerance test, and now have to monitor my blood glucose 5 times daily. My fingertips are sore, and I am a little frustrated that I can't give in to a single craving BUT I am happy to report that all my hard work and prevention tactics from the beginning of pregnancy have paid off! I had to adjust my diet very little, and I have not had a single abnormal fingerstick. I haven't gained an ounce thus far (and this OK for me as per my OB/GYN, it might not be ok for everyone). I do need to step up and be more active, and my doctor recommended walking.
Essentially the test that I failed demonstrated that I have the inability to process sugars, and if I do not watch my intake, there could be complications. Inshaallah the condition should resolve itself after delivery. Inshaallah I will remain good until the end. I do understand that this can change towards the end of pregnancy so I must continue to do my best and keep my faith strong that Allah (swt) will do what is best for my unborn baby and myself.
Complications that can arise if the sugars are not well controlled are: insulin therapy (sometimes even watching the diet is not enough), large babies, c-sections, and baby not being able to stabilize his own blood sugar after birth (thus being whisked away from me until he can- which can impede my ability to nurse him, and that kills me). G.D. also means that later in my life, I have a good chance of becoming non-insulin dependent diabetic...so if I get a handle on it now, it won't be a surprise, nor will I struggle with the lifestyle changes. I might even be able to prevent it!
My wish inshallah is to continue on this healthy path after he is born, so I may be an example for him as to how to nourish and care for the bodies Allah (swt) has loaned to us. I don't want him to have the same issues I've had with weight, and I want my husband and I to enjoy an active, outdoors lifestyle with our little miracle!
Time for lunch....
As'salamu alaykum
Who am I ?
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I am starting to realize that I am no longer who I thought I was. Does that make sense? If I analyze my feelings, common sense tells me that my identity is not defined by the things I used to do, but by my virtures, moral compass and intentions. The idea that I will never be alone, ever again, is scaring me. I am more nervous and aware of my surroundings at all times, and have an instinct to always be close to home. The notion of being seperated from my husband (for any any reason I can think of) brings anxiety. Now, every thought and deed revolves around my unborn son, impending motherhood, and my husband. It seems like a very natural progression, and life has taught me that whenever there is a new experience on the horizon, balance is key to enjoyment. I am alomst certain that I will adjust to my new role, as I find myself aching to embrace my new baby, in Allah's (swt) time inshaAllah.
There are times when I ponder the days when it was just 'me'. I came and went as I saw fit, never having to consider anyone else. I rarely cooked lol, shopped at will, journeyed into the night for prolonged exposure photography (alone, and yes- stupid) and if I left my underthings on the bathroom floor for a day, it was no sweat. There was nothing more satisfying that logging onto to travelocity and booking a flight on a whims notice. Alhamdulillah living alone was a valuable and rich experience that I will never forget. The mistakes, failures and successes will never leave me, and I hope that the lessons learned will serve me well in my new role as "mom". I wouldn't trade my married/family life for anything in the world, I am just learning how to navigate through the next chapter.....
